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[PRIVATE ENTRY - locked to self]
Oct. 4th, 2005 12:08 amPhoebe's roommate seems to think she'll be back tonight. I left her a note telling her I wanted to talk to her. But what do I say? "Hi, I'm a demon. I kill witches for the Source of All Evil. One day I might be told to kill you and your sisters."
Yeah. That'll go over well.
Why am I even trying? I did what I did to push her away from me. And it worked. So why am I trying to come up with ways to win her back?
I care about Phoebe. I think I really love her. I mean, that's the only word I can think of that describes this. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I hate that I hurt her. I hate that I hurt Piper, too. But I can't undo what I've done. I can't undo anything I've done. Is this what remorse is?
I want to be with her, but I can't. It's just impossible. What am I supposed to do, switch sides? Right. I'm a demon. Besides, the Source and Raynor and the Brotherhood would hunt me down and kill me. Then someone else would be sent to kill Phoebe and her sisters. They barely even know what they are now. They'd be sitting ducks.
I can't keep going like this, though. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate on anything. Raynor's going to figure out something is wrong and he'll know when I'm lying to him. He always does.
Demon and soul aren't meant to be together like this. No wonder the thought of having his soul again bothers Angelus so much. If Drusilla can do whatever it is and rip mine out of me...then this will all stop, right? There's no other way...I just don't know why the Source didn't burn mine out of me long ago. Then all this never would've happened.
Yeah. That'll go over well.
Why am I even trying? I did what I did to push her away from me. And it worked. So why am I trying to come up with ways to win her back?
I care about Phoebe. I think I really love her. I mean, that's the only word I can think of that describes this. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I hate that I hurt her. I hate that I hurt Piper, too. But I can't undo what I've done. I can't undo anything I've done. Is this what remorse is?
I want to be with her, but I can't. It's just impossible. What am I supposed to do, switch sides? Right. I'm a demon. Besides, the Source and Raynor and the Brotherhood would hunt me down and kill me. Then someone else would be sent to kill Phoebe and her sisters. They barely even know what they are now. They'd be sitting ducks.
I can't keep going like this, though. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate on anything. Raynor's going to figure out something is wrong and he'll know when I'm lying to him. He always does.
Demon and soul aren't meant to be together like this. No wonder the thought of having his soul again bothers Angelus so much. If Drusilla can do whatever it is and rip mine out of me...then this will all stop, right? There's no other way...I just don't know why the Source didn't burn mine out of me long ago. Then all this never would've happened.
