South Attic, late Wednesday night

[demonbelthazor]

After his visit to Veronica, Bel spent the rest of the day avoiding people. It had been hard enough to talk to her, and he knew he couldn't deal with running into anyone else he'd hurt during any of his stupid schemes to bring Angelus back. Not when the guilt was so fresh. So he didn't go to his classes and spent the day in hiding.

He finally shimmered back to the attic late that night. He knew Phoebe would be frantic (more guilt) but he couldn't bear to face her either, and hear her words of trust and love when he didn't deserve any of it.

He found Phoebe asleep on the couch. Carefully picking her up so he didn't wake her, he carried her into the bedroom and tucked her into bed. He settled in a chair next to the bed, watching her sleep, wishing he was the good man she thought he was.

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[sensethevisions]

It was odd to wake up in bed when you knew you hadn't gone to bed in the first place. After a few moments of disorientation, Phoebe turned her head and saw him sitting in the chair next to her.

Remembering how he had been the night before, Phoebe simply reached out a hand to touch him.

"Cole?"

[demonbelthazor]

"Hi," Cole said softly.

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe sat up, and moved the blankets aside so she could swing her legs over the side of the bed.

"You alright?" She could tell he wasn't, but she wasn't sure what exactly to ask right now.

[demonbelthazor]

"Yeah," he said dismissively. "I'm okay. Just a little banged up."

[sensethevisions]

Ask a stupid question...

"I..." Okay, telling him she had been worried would probably not be the best thing to say right about now. Instead she got off the bed and kneeled beside the chair, taking his hands in hers. "What can I do?"

[demonbelthazor]

He shook his head. "I'm okay," he lied, even though he knew lying to an empath was useless. "I'm sorry I didn't come home last night."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe gave him a soft look that showed him how useless lying to her was.

"I know you're not okay, love," she said softly. "I felt..." She wasn't even sure how to put what she had felt last night when Piper had attacked him. She didn't let go of his hands. "I was a little worried when I couldn't find you," she admitted. "But I knew here" she moved his hand to her heart. "that you weren't in danger..."

[demonbelthazor]

"I didn't want you to see me," he confessed, dropping his gaze.

[sensethevisions]

Okay, this wasn't what she had expected.

Phoebe put a hand gently against his face. "Why?"

[demonbelthazor]

He flinched a little. "Because I don't deserve you."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe bit her lip when he flinched at her touch.

"What? Cole, why would you think something like that?"

[demonbelthazor]

"Because of the things I've done," he said. "I don't deserve your love or trust."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe blinked. He...what?

"Cole, that's not true," she said softly. "You're not the same man you were before. You've changed and you're trying to be different than you were. You do deserve my love... my trust.... if only for the times that you've saved my life alone, sweetheart.

[demonbelthazor]

He touched her face with a trembling hand. "Tell that to the people I've killed."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe put a hand over his and held it to her face. He probably shouldn't put thoughts like that into her head. She does have that board...

"If I could get them to listen, love, I would..." She met his eyes. "You're not your past, sweetheart. You're maiing amends for the person you once were... and you're not even close to being him now."

[demonbelthazor]

"I am him," he said hollowly. "I always will be. And all the good I may or may not do doesn't change the fact that I've murdered more witches and innocents that I can count. You haven't seen it, Phoebe. That's why you can forgive."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe's voice was soft.

"I may not have seen those you've killed, but I've glimpsed visions of the evil you have done... and I was here for the last year, love." She didn't move away, didn't let go of him. "I've seen evil... and I've seen death." She swallowed. "I've been torn apart... and the person that was there to save me... was you. I made bad decisions and had myself thrown across a room because of it. But the reason I survived that was because you cared enough to reach out."

She moved closer to him, coming around to the front of the chair so she could look at him directly.

"Your love for me... your ability to love at all is what separates you from the man you used to be, Cole."

[demonbelthazor]

"But it doesn't help the people I've killed," he said bitterly. "It doesn't bring them back or give their families peace. I should die for what I've done."

[sensethevisions]

"Your death..." and here she choked on the idea "Wouldn't give anyone peace or closure. Your death wouldn't bring abck anyone, either." She stroked his face again. "You changing your life and your ways is the best measure of amends you can make for your past, Cole."

[demonbelthazor]

"Would you be able to say that if I was the demon who killed your mother?" he asked.

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe froze, not sure how to answer that question. On the one hand, she knew what he was trying to do. He was trying to get her to step in the shoes of the surviving family members of those he had killed. On the other hand, she also knew that he wasn't the demon that killed her mother. She turned things over in her mind and and tried to figure out how to answer his question without causing him further damage.

She decided that now, more than any other time in their relationship, he needed her to be honest.

"I... I don't know, love," she said honestly. "What I do know is that I have seen you do a lot of good and I know you could do a lot more.

[demonbelthazor]

"But no matter what I do it's not good enough!" he said, frustrated. "It doesn't change all the evil I've done. It doesn't even balance it."

[sensethevisions]

"You have just started to make changes, Cole," Phoebe said softly. "It's going to take time to balance anything out. You were evil for a very long time."

[demonbelthazor]

"It won't balance!" Cole said. "Not ever."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe was becoming more and more worried.

"It will balance, sweetheart, and then you'll tip the scales further in good."

[demonbelthazor]

He didn't want to argue with her, not about this. "I'm just tired," he said. "Haven't slept since...Piper."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe got to her feet and pulled him up. "Then you need to rest," she said softly. She tugged him over to the bed and made him lay down. She tucked the blankets around him and dimmed the light. "Do you want me to leave you alone? Or I could sit here in the chair. Or..."

No, in fact, she didn't know what to offer to help.

[demonbelthazor]

He struggled with his answer, asking for something he didn't think he deserved. "Stay?" he said softly. "Please?"

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe nodded and moved where she could sit on the bed with him and be there if he needed her.
She leaned back against the headboard and took his hand.

"I'll stay right here, love," she promised softly, wishing she knew how to help him right now.

[demonbelthazor]

He shifted so his head was in her lap and clung to her hand. Closing his eyes, he drifted into an uneasy sleep, twitching and moaning every once in awhile.

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe held him the entire time he slept, concerned, and making calming sounds when he twitched and moaned.