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demonbelthazorBelthazor was restless. Phoebe had already fallen asleep, but he couldn't seem to join her. He got up to have a cigarette and decided to leave the room since Phoebe hated the smoke. As "master" he could've just told her to deal with it, but as "master" he was also responsible for her comfort, so he opted to go downstairs and step outside for a smoke.
As he stepped out the door, he saw Beka coming up the path to the dorms. "Hey," he said in greeting as he conjured a fireball and lit his cigarette.
"Got another one of those?"
He pulled out his pack and tossed it to her. "Sure, kitten," he said with a smirk, using the name that he'd overheard Angelus calling her in class a few days before.
Beka shot him a dirty look as she pulled out a cigarette and waited for him to light it. "Only Angelus can call me that."
Belthazor held out the fireball to light her cigarette, then extinguished it. "Uh huh," he said, still smirking. "Does he have a pet name for every member of the JA then?"
"Yeah," Beka retorted. "Yours is 'jackass.' Or 'my boy,' wasn't it? Or perhaps just 'mine.'" She laughed at the expression on Belthazor's face. "Bel, he owns your ass."
"He does not!" Belthazor protested hotly.
"Does too," Beka said sweetly.
"Does not!"
"Does too, emodemon."
"He. Does. Not," Belthazor said through gritted teeth. "What makes you think he owns me?"
Beka laughed again. "Protesting a bit too much, Bel. Wishing he picked you for himself? Jealous of Callisto?"
"No, of course not," Belthazor said sourly. "I wanted to be paired with Phoebe."
"I know you did," Beka said. "But c'mon. You want him too." Her words were met with a glare, and she added, "Would it help if I said I want him?"
"Why should that help?" he said.
"I dunno," she said. "Because we're friends, you and me."
"Yeah," Belthazor said slowly.
"So, maybe you wouldn't feel so embarrassed," Beka went on. "Of course, it's not like it's exactly a secret that I want him."
"I'm not embarrassed."
"So you're going to tell me that you don't want him," Beka said lightly. "And I'm supposed to believe that."
"Right."
Beka took a long drag off her cigarette, then exhaled slowly. "Okay," she said. "I know you love Phoebe. I know you won't hurt her. I know you won't cheat on her. I just know that... well, it sure seems like he wants you."
He looked at her in surprise. "...he does? He told you that?"
"Did he have to?" Beka said. "Am I blind?"
"Why do you think that?" Belthazor demanded suspiciously.
"Uh, Bel," she said. "When he thought you and I were fucking? Did you hear how pissed he got at me? I crossed the line and touched something that was his. Angelus cuts me a lot of slack. More than he does most people I think. I don't know why exactly. But as it comes to you...?"
"You mean in class the other day?" Belthazor asked.
"Yes."
"He didn't think that we...."
"He did too. Or he thought I was asking you if you wanted to." She looked at Belthazor, exasperated. "It's not subtle, Bel. Except for the fact that apparently he hasn't thrown you over a couch and used you for his pleasure."
Belthazor gaped at Beka as if unable to believe she'd just said that. Beka closed her eyes for a moment, smilingundoubtedly at the pleasant image. Then she said, "Anyhow, Bel...I kinda...need to talk to you about something."
"What?" Belthazor asked, grateful for the subject change.
Beka couldn't meet his gaze. "Ugh. I don't even know how to talk about this," she mumbled. At Belthazor's perplexed look, she said, "Well you would be confused. You're frelling demon. Mastering people is what you're supposed to do."
"Well, yeah, sometimes," Belthazor said. "And your point?"
"Yeah," Beka said uncomfortably. "Well. I've been running from being mastered my whole life. Running from being a slave. Fighting to be free."
"And you don't want to be a master, either?" he asked.
"No, I do," she said. "And that's the problem. I shouldn't. When I was running, sometimes I wanted to give up. Find someone to take care of me. Just accept and make myself happy. But I never did. Never." She turned away from him and kicked at the wall. It didn't get any easier. Not though she'd talked to Tara, nor Angelus, nor Chi. It still hurt.
"And now you regret it?" Belthazor said.
"No," Beka said softly. "No. I can't give up my free will that way. But Bel... I can make someone else do it. And I can make them like it."
"You think you're that good?" Belthazor said.
She nodded. "Angelus does too. Or at least he didn't deny it when I said so."
"Someone who's looking for it," Belthazor said thoughtfully, "which I don't think Buffy is. Or if she is, it wouldn't last. She's not the type to submit."
"No. I don't think so," Beka said. "But... what does it say about me that I would try?"
"You haven't tried," he said. "Nothing wrong with just thinking about it."
"You don't think I will?" Beka said. "Really?"
"I'd be surprised if you did," Belthazor said.
"...why?"
Belthazor shrugged. "From what I've seen of you, you don't seem the type."
"Angelus said...he said that the evil was in me if it was in me." She kicked at the wall again.
"The potential is there for everyone," Belthazor said.
"Everyone, Bel?" Beka responded. "I don't think that's what he meant."
He shrugged again. "Some more than others."
"That's what I'm... that's what worries me."
Belthazor had finished his cigarette and lit up another one. "You wouldn't worry so much if it was really there."
"It's that whole soul thing," Beka said. "You want it too...don't you?"
"Want what? A soul?"
"No. The mastery."
"Yes," he admitted.
"I know you don't always want your soul," Beka said. "How do you fight it then?"
"What makes you think I fight it?"
"...don't you?" she said. "I've never seen you ... well, no, I have seen you try... I've seen you fight your urges to just brand Phoebe and lock her up."
"Because I'd lose her if I did."
"That's the only reason?" she prodded.
"You think there's something else?"
"Hope so. For my sake."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... if loving Phoebe is the only thing that keeps you fighting... what will make me fight?" Beka asked.
Belthazor was silent for a long moment. "She was the catalyst," he finally said. "She...made me feel. Made my soul come out of hiding." He looked at Beka. "You already have a soul."
She swallowed hard. "Is that enough? Some of the worst monsters I've ever known had souls."
"It's no guarantee," he agreed. "There are humans out there who have done things that could put a demon to shame. But it gives you the choice."
Beka bit the inside of her lip and looked away.
"You still think you're going to make the wrong choice?" Belthazor asked her.
She shook her head. "I don't know. I don't like what this is doing to me."
"Then drop the assignment," he said simply.
"Why do I want it so much?" Beka said. "Why do I want her to sit at my feet? Why do I want to make her feel better? Why do I care? I don't even know her."
"Power," Belthazor replied. "Power over another person is...intoxicating."
"I won't drop the assignment," Beka said, half to herself. "No. Others could learn from this. And... Buffy... might... not hurt." In answer to Belthazor's statement, she nodded. "It is. Maybe that's it though...maybe it's what I want the power for?" Her tone was hopeful.
"For the thrill of it?" Belthazor said.
"I... Don't make me think that Bel," Beka said. "Help me believe it's because I want to help her. Give me a reason to fight it."
"It's because you want to help her," he said flatly.
She sighed. "I wish it sounded like you believe that. You don't. You think, same as Angelus. I just want the power."
"What matters is what you believe."
"I don't know what I believe." Her voice held a note of something angry and afraid. "Why is it that I work so hard to encourage you and everyone else to accept what they are...when I can't accept what I am?"
He flinched, barely perceptible. "It's harder to accept yourself."
Beka folded her arms against the wall and rested her head against them. "There are days I envy Angelus."
Belthazor nodded. "Me too."
"There are days I envy you, too, Bel," Beka said, raising her head.
"Why me?" he asked.
"Don't take this wrong," she said slowly. "But if you lose the fight...at least you know that you're being true to part of yourself."
"True."
"If I lose..." Her eyes burned with tears she quickly fought back. Uh uh. No crying in front of Bel. "It's just because I'm weak. And" -- she shrugged -- "bad."
"Being bad isn't losing," Belthazor said. "It could just be what you are. I don't think that's what you are, though."
She managed a weak smile. "Don't take this wrong either?"
"Okay...." he said.
She grinned. "I think I love you."
He blinked at her in surprise. "Umm...thank you?"
"You've become a good friend," she said. "And you do seem to believe in me. That helps. It might even be enough to start from. Something to fight for.And if Angelus ever finds out we had this conversation we are both, so totally dead."
"Oh hell yes. From what I know of you....you just don't seem the type," Belthazor said. "And you wouldn't worry so much about it if you were."
"So, we won't tell Daddy. I know," Beka said. "You've said. I believe in you too. I don't believe you'll ever hurt Phoebe, or her sisters."
"I...hope not," he said.
"You won't," she said firmly.
"You have too much faith in me."
She shook her head. "I know what I see. I see you fight. And..."
"And what?"
"And you hate yourself when you feel evil." She shrugged. "Sorry for the armchair psychoanalysis."
"Evil is what I am," Belthazor said, not defensively.
"Demon, yes," Beka said. "Evil, no. First. You're half-human. Second, is it evil to be a demon just because you are one? I mean... if I asked you to make me a demon, that would maybe be evil."
"Demons are evil," he said. "It's just what they are."
"I don't believe that," Beka said. "Demons are demons. Evil is defined by where you sit."
"Demons pretty much embrace the definition," he said. "The Source isn't called the Source of All Evil for nothing."
Beka glared at him. "Angelus admitted that he wasn't truly evil. That he was happy to accept the label, if it defined him in opposition to the white hats. But you... you don't even want to be in opposition to us most of the time. Us, as if I am one."
"Yeah, but that doesn't change the things I've done and what I may have to do," he said.
"You're not evil, Bel. You're as gray as I am." She lifted an eyebrow. "How many people have you killed? Bet it's not so very many more than me."
"Why, how many have you killed?" he said.
"Enough." Enough that I know what it feels like anyway.
"I lost count."
"I never bothered to count in the first place." But I could probably remember if I tried.
"Bet you didn't make your kills the same way I did mine," he countered.
She inclined her head in acknowledgment. "Probably not. I can't make fireballs. But I'd quite happily have ripped any of them apart with my bare hands and enjoyed it."
The killing pissing contest was beginning to aggravate him. "Did you do it quick? Did you do it slow? Did they deserve it? Were they...good?"
"I did however I could," she said. "They were...like me. Just trying to survive, I guess." One shoulder lifted in a tight shrug. "Or they were Magog trying to kill me. Me, my DNA, my descendants have already killed millions of innocents. Whole worlds."
"Your descendants?" he repeated, irritation dissolving into bewilderment.
She sighed. "It's a long damned story."
"You're not responsible for what they do, whatever the story is," he said.
"Theoretically? Yes. You're right," she said. "It doesn't take it off my conscience."
"I'm definitely right," he said.
"So. It's still on my conscience." Beka blew her bangs off her forehead, frustrated. "Nice to know that fucking someone will end up with millions of people dead."
"I'm still confused as to how...." he said.
"Me too," she said, waving a hand to dismiss it. She really didn't want to talk about it, and talking with Ten really had made her let go of a lot of it. She just wanted to help Bel. "Trust me. Anyhow. Point is. Maybe you're bad. Maybe you killed a lot of people. Maybe you enjoyed it a lot. That's what demons do, no?"
"Yeah," he said. "We do what the Source tells us."
"Good soldiers. Did you ever really have a choice?" Beka asked.
"Yes," Belthazor admitted. "I could've let them kill me. The first time they made me kill. I...didn't want to. But I did."
"Why should you have?" she asked, temper flaring. "What's 'good' about letting yourself be killed?"
"Then there would be a lot more witches and innocents still alive," he said.
Beka heart suddenly sank. "Being half-human must be so hard for you."
"When I was ten years old they brought me my first witch to kill," he said emotionlessly. "She was tied up...couldn't even struggle. Raynor gave me an athame to slit her throat. But I didn't want to."
She met his gaze. "Do you think you'll make me hate you by telling me this?"
He shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know."
"No," she said firmly. "So tell me if you want to. If it'll help."
"Not much to tell," he said. "I didn't want to do it. So Raynor had the other demons being initiated into the Brotherhood beat me until I did as I was told. After that it was easier. I just did it the next time they brought me a witch."
"So, you had a choice," she said. "Kill or be killed. I had the same one. Made the same choice."
"I valued my own life over the lives of countless witches."
"As I valued my life over the life over that of other humans."
"Did you personally kill those humans?"
"Yes."
"Were they good or were you just protecting yourself?"
"I don't know what they were," Beka said. It's not like I knew them personally. "They were probably no different than me. Doing the same things I was. Just on the other side of the line from me."
Belthazor shook his head. "Don't try to compare yourself to me. We're not alike, not that way. I have done a lot of evil things. I will do more. I also can sense evil, and I don't sense that from you."
"I'm not, Bel," she said. "I'm just trying to show you that ... I don't know. I'm not a demon. I'm not a vampire. I'm not even an especially bad human, I guess. But the differences, the lines, they're not as clear as you think. And I don't think you are evil. I think you're Bel."
"Tell that to the witches I've killed," he said.
Beka crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine. Have it your way. You're irrevocably, unbelievably, permanently horribly, irredeemably evil."
He chuckled a little. "Something like that."
"Gonna kill me now, oh evil horrible hateful one?" she teased.
He raised an eyebrow. "Why, you want me to?"
"No. But you can throw a few fireballs at me if you want." She winked at him.
"Might be able to be talked into that," he said.
Beka reached over and pulled his cigarettes out of his jacket pocket, just like a sister or a friendly rival might. "Want one?" she said, offering his cigarettes back to him after she'd taken one.
"Sure," he said. He conjured a fireball to light his cigarette, then held it out for Beka.
"Wish I knew how to show you what I see in you," she said after a moment. "What Phoebe sees - even more."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
She took a long slow drag and shrugged. "We believe in you."
"And what if that turns out to be a mistake?" he said.
"I'll kill you," she said.
"Fair enough," he said, nodding.
"So. Don't make me wrong," she said.
"I don't want to...." he said after a moment's hesitation.
"I know," Beka said.
"But I didn't want to kill that first witch, either," Belthazor added.
"It's different now," she said. "You have a soul. You feel. You love Phoebe. You care about me - a little. And you're stronger now than you were. You could fight, couldn't you?"
"I had a soul then, too," he said. "And yeah, I'm stronger now. But you don't know the power of the Underworld. You don't know what the Source is."
"No. I don't," she agreed. "And I probably never will. If you fall down, you'll get back up. And if you don't... I'll either kill you, or take you to get your soul removed so you don't hurt anymore, I guess."
"I've thought about that," he admitted.
"I know. You told me," she said. "If it comes to that, tell me what you want me to do. ... I guess it's really not up to me. Phoebe would have a say too."
He shook his head. "If I'm making that choice it means I've lost her. Or am about to."
"Well then, it'll be between you and me."
"You think you can stop me?" He sounded almost amused.
She shrugged. "We've been over this. I can try. I'm good enough to get in your way."
"True enough," he said. Silence fell for a long moment, and he brought the conversation full circle. "And Angelus doesn't own me."
"No," she said, only the mildest note of skepticism in her voice. "But he might own me."
"You want him to?" he asked.
She shrugged again. "Maybe. Sometimes. Other times I want to kill him."
"The Brotherhood owns me," Belthazor said. "The Underworld owns me. Phoebe owns part of me. Why do you think Angelus does, too?"
"Maybe I was just hoping you'd understand how I felt," she said.
"Do you want him to be pleased with you?" he asked. "That I can understand."
"Yes."
"Why?
"I wish I knew."
"Absolutely no idea why, huh?" Belthazor grinned.
"Fuck off, Bel," she said. "He's a good lay."
"I wouldn't know," he said mildly.
"Your loss," she said.
"It would be yours," he said. "I don't share."
Her eyes grew wide. "What makes you think the choice would be yours?"
His brow furrowed. "Because I won't share."
"But he will," Beka pointed out.
Belthazor shrugged. "Which is why he doesn't own me," he said, then added quickly, "One of the reasons, I mean."
"He doesn't own me either, Bel," she said. "It's just... I'm like a ship without a course. He's strong. Smart."
"And you want him to give you direction?"
"I don't know that I entirely trust his direction," she said. "But...he makes me think. I like that."
"You think it'll make you feel better if you give him control?" he asked.
She smirked. "Well..."
"Then let him," Belthazor advised.
She laughed. "I meant during sex, Bel."
"Then let him do that much."
"Why?"
"You said it makes you feel better."
"In point of fact, I implied that the sex was good that way," she said. "But, if we're being truthful, I suppose if he's in control, it's hard for me to feel guilty about it."
He nodded thoughfully. "True, very true." He took a final drag off his cigarette and dropped it to the ground, crushing it into the pavement. "I better get back inside. I don't like leaving Phoebe alone for long."
"Good night," Beka said as he went back inside the dorm. She finished her own cigarette, then headed inside as well, climbing the stairs to the attic.
[OOC: Written by Bel!Mun and Beka!Mun in chat.]
As he stepped out the door, he saw Beka coming up the path to the dorms. "Hey," he said in greeting as he conjured a fireball and lit his cigarette.
"Got another one of those?"
He pulled out his pack and tossed it to her. "Sure, kitten," he said with a smirk, using the name that he'd overheard Angelus calling her in class a few days before.
Beka shot him a dirty look as she pulled out a cigarette and waited for him to light it. "Only Angelus can call me that."
Belthazor held out the fireball to light her cigarette, then extinguished it. "Uh huh," he said, still smirking. "Does he have a pet name for every member of the JA then?"
"Yeah," Beka retorted. "Yours is 'jackass.' Or 'my boy,' wasn't it? Or perhaps just 'mine.'" She laughed at the expression on Belthazor's face. "Bel, he owns your ass."
"He does not!" Belthazor protested hotly.
"Does too," Beka said sweetly.
"Does not!"
"Does too, emodemon."
"He. Does. Not," Belthazor said through gritted teeth. "What makes you think he owns me?"
Beka laughed again. "Protesting a bit too much, Bel. Wishing he picked you for himself? Jealous of Callisto?"
"No, of course not," Belthazor said sourly. "I wanted to be paired with Phoebe."
"I know you did," Beka said. "But c'mon. You want him too." Her words were met with a glare, and she added, "Would it help if I said I want him?"
"Why should that help?" he said.
"I dunno," she said. "Because we're friends, you and me."
"Yeah," Belthazor said slowly.
"So, maybe you wouldn't feel so embarrassed," Beka went on. "Of course, it's not like it's exactly a secret that I want him."
"I'm not embarrassed."
"So you're going to tell me that you don't want him," Beka said lightly. "And I'm supposed to believe that."
"Right."
Beka took a long drag off her cigarette, then exhaled slowly. "Okay," she said. "I know you love Phoebe. I know you won't hurt her. I know you won't cheat on her. I just know that... well, it sure seems like he wants you."
He looked at her in surprise. "...he does? He told you that?"
"Did he have to?" Beka said. "Am I blind?"
"Why do you think that?" Belthazor demanded suspiciously.
"Uh, Bel," she said. "When he thought you and I were fucking? Did you hear how pissed he got at me? I crossed the line and touched something that was his. Angelus cuts me a lot of slack. More than he does most people I think. I don't know why exactly. But as it comes to you...?"
"You mean in class the other day?" Belthazor asked.
"Yes."
"He didn't think that we...."
"He did too. Or he thought I was asking you if you wanted to." She looked at Belthazor, exasperated. "It's not subtle, Bel. Except for the fact that apparently he hasn't thrown you over a couch and used you for his pleasure."
Belthazor gaped at Beka as if unable to believe she'd just said that. Beka closed her eyes for a moment, smiling
"What?" Belthazor asked, grateful for the subject change.
Beka couldn't meet his gaze. "Ugh. I don't even know how to talk about this," she mumbled. At Belthazor's perplexed look, she said, "Well you would be confused. You're frelling demon. Mastering people is what you're supposed to do."
"Well, yeah, sometimes," Belthazor said. "And your point?"
"Yeah," Beka said uncomfortably. "Well. I've been running from being mastered my whole life. Running from being a slave. Fighting to be free."
"And you don't want to be a master, either?" he asked.
"No, I do," she said. "And that's the problem. I shouldn't. When I was running, sometimes I wanted to give up. Find someone to take care of me. Just accept and make myself happy. But I never did. Never." She turned away from him and kicked at the wall. It didn't get any easier. Not though she'd talked to Tara, nor Angelus, nor Chi. It still hurt.
"And now you regret it?" Belthazor said.
"No," Beka said softly. "No. I can't give up my free will that way. But Bel... I can make someone else do it. And I can make them like it."
"You think you're that good?" Belthazor said.
She nodded. "Angelus does too. Or at least he didn't deny it when I said so."
"Someone who's looking for it," Belthazor said thoughtfully, "which I don't think Buffy is. Or if she is, it wouldn't last. She's not the type to submit."
"No. I don't think so," Beka said. "But... what does it say about me that I would try?"
"You haven't tried," he said. "Nothing wrong with just thinking about it."
"You don't think I will?" Beka said. "Really?"
"I'd be surprised if you did," Belthazor said.
"...why?"
Belthazor shrugged. "From what I've seen of you, you don't seem the type."
"Angelus said...he said that the evil was in me if it was in me." She kicked at the wall again.
"The potential is there for everyone," Belthazor said.
"Everyone, Bel?" Beka responded. "I don't think that's what he meant."
He shrugged again. "Some more than others."
"That's what I'm... that's what worries me."
Belthazor had finished his cigarette and lit up another one. "You wouldn't worry so much if it was really there."
"It's that whole soul thing," Beka said. "You want it too...don't you?"
"Want what? A soul?"
"No. The mastery."
"Yes," he admitted.
"I know you don't always want your soul," Beka said. "How do you fight it then?"
"What makes you think I fight it?"
"...don't you?" she said. "I've never seen you ... well, no, I have seen you try... I've seen you fight your urges to just brand Phoebe and lock her up."
"Because I'd lose her if I did."
"That's the only reason?" she prodded.
"You think there's something else?"
"Hope so. For my sake."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... if loving Phoebe is the only thing that keeps you fighting... what will make me fight?" Beka asked.
Belthazor was silent for a long moment. "She was the catalyst," he finally said. "She...made me feel. Made my soul come out of hiding." He looked at Beka. "You already have a soul."
She swallowed hard. "Is that enough? Some of the worst monsters I've ever known had souls."
"It's no guarantee," he agreed. "There are humans out there who have done things that could put a demon to shame. But it gives you the choice."
Beka bit the inside of her lip and looked away.
"You still think you're going to make the wrong choice?" Belthazor asked her.
She shook her head. "I don't know. I don't like what this is doing to me."
"Then drop the assignment," he said simply.
"Why do I want it so much?" Beka said. "Why do I want her to sit at my feet? Why do I want to make her feel better? Why do I care? I don't even know her."
"Power," Belthazor replied. "Power over another person is...intoxicating."
"I won't drop the assignment," Beka said, half to herself. "No. Others could learn from this. And... Buffy... might... not hurt." In answer to Belthazor's statement, she nodded. "It is. Maybe that's it though...maybe it's what I want the power for?" Her tone was hopeful.
"For the thrill of it?" Belthazor said.
"I... Don't make me think that Bel," Beka said. "Help me believe it's because I want to help her. Give me a reason to fight it."
"It's because you want to help her," he said flatly.
She sighed. "I wish it sounded like you believe that. You don't. You think, same as Angelus. I just want the power."
"What matters is what you believe."
"I don't know what I believe." Her voice held a note of something angry and afraid. "Why is it that I work so hard to encourage you and everyone else to accept what they are...when I can't accept what I am?"
He flinched, barely perceptible. "It's harder to accept yourself."
Beka folded her arms against the wall and rested her head against them. "There are days I envy Angelus."
Belthazor nodded. "Me too."
"There are days I envy you, too, Bel," Beka said, raising her head.
"Why me?" he asked.
"Don't take this wrong," she said slowly. "But if you lose the fight...at least you know that you're being true to part of yourself."
"True."
"If I lose..." Her eyes burned with tears she quickly fought back. Uh uh. No crying in front of Bel. "It's just because I'm weak. And" -- she shrugged -- "bad."
"Being bad isn't losing," Belthazor said. "It could just be what you are. I don't think that's what you are, though."
She managed a weak smile. "Don't take this wrong either?"
"Okay...." he said.
She grinned. "I think I love you."
He blinked at her in surprise. "Umm...thank you?"
"You've become a good friend," she said. "And you do seem to believe in me. That helps. It might even be enough to start from. Something to fight for.
"
"
"I...hope not," he said.
"You won't," she said firmly.
"You have too much faith in me."
She shook her head. "I know what I see. I see you fight. And..."
"And what?"
"And you hate yourself when you feel evil." She shrugged. "Sorry for the armchair psychoanalysis."
"Evil is what I am," Belthazor said, not defensively.
"Demon, yes," Beka said. "Evil, no. First. You're half-human. Second, is it evil to be a demon just because you are one? I mean... if I asked you to make me a demon, that would maybe be evil."
"Demons are evil," he said. "It's just what they are."
"I don't believe that," Beka said. "Demons are demons. Evil is defined by where you sit."
"Demons pretty much embrace the definition," he said. "The Source isn't called the Source of All Evil for nothing."
Beka glared at him. "Angelus admitted that he wasn't truly evil. That he was happy to accept the label, if it defined him in opposition to the white hats. But you... you don't even want to be in opposition to us most of the time. Us, as if I am one."
"Yeah, but that doesn't change the things I've done and what I may have to do," he said.
"You're not evil, Bel. You're as gray as I am." She lifted an eyebrow. "How many people have you killed? Bet it's not so very many more than me."
"Why, how many have you killed?" he said.
"Enough." Enough that I know what it feels like anyway.
"I lost count."
"I never bothered to count in the first place." But I could probably remember if I tried.
"Bet you didn't make your kills the same way I did mine," he countered.
She inclined her head in acknowledgment. "Probably not. I can't make fireballs. But I'd quite happily have ripped any of them apart with my bare hands and enjoyed it."
The killing pissing contest was beginning to aggravate him. "Did you do it quick? Did you do it slow? Did they deserve it? Were they...good?"
"I did however I could," she said. "They were...like me. Just trying to survive, I guess." One shoulder lifted in a tight shrug. "Or they were Magog trying to kill me. Me, my DNA, my descendants have already killed millions of innocents. Whole worlds."
"Your descendants?" he repeated, irritation dissolving into bewilderment.
She sighed. "It's a long damned story."
"You're not responsible for what they do, whatever the story is," he said.
"Theoretically? Yes. You're right," she said. "It doesn't take it off my conscience."
"I'm definitely right," he said.
"So. It's still on my conscience." Beka blew her bangs off her forehead, frustrated. "Nice to know that fucking someone will end up with millions of people dead."
"I'm still confused as to how...." he said.
"Me too," she said, waving a hand to dismiss it. She really didn't want to talk about it, and talking with Ten really had made her let go of a lot of it. She just wanted to help Bel. "Trust me. Anyhow. Point is. Maybe you're bad. Maybe you killed a lot of people. Maybe you enjoyed it a lot. That's what demons do, no?"
"Yeah," he said. "We do what the Source tells us."
"Good soldiers. Did you ever really have a choice?" Beka asked.
"Yes," Belthazor admitted. "I could've let them kill me. The first time they made me kill. I...didn't want to. But I did."
"Why should you have?" she asked, temper flaring. "What's 'good' about letting yourself be killed?"
"Then there would be a lot more witches and innocents still alive," he said.
Beka heart suddenly sank. "Being half-human must be so hard for you."
"When I was ten years old they brought me my first witch to kill," he said emotionlessly. "She was tied up...couldn't even struggle. Raynor gave me an athame to slit her throat. But I didn't want to."
She met his gaze. "Do you think you'll make me hate you by telling me this?"
He shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know."
"No," she said firmly. "So tell me if you want to. If it'll help."
"Not much to tell," he said. "I didn't want to do it. So Raynor had the other demons being initiated into the Brotherhood beat me until I did as I was told. After that it was easier. I just did it the next time they brought me a witch."
"So, you had a choice," she said. "Kill or be killed. I had the same one. Made the same choice."
"I valued my own life over the lives of countless witches."
"As I valued my life over the life over that of other humans."
"Did you personally kill those humans?"
"Yes."
"Were they good or were you just protecting yourself?"
"I don't know what they were," Beka said. It's not like I knew them personally. "They were probably no different than me. Doing the same things I was. Just on the other side of the line from me."
Belthazor shook his head. "Don't try to compare yourself to me. We're not alike, not that way. I have done a lot of evil things. I will do more. I also can sense evil, and I don't sense that from you."
"I'm not, Bel," she said. "I'm just trying to show you that ... I don't know. I'm not a demon. I'm not a vampire. I'm not even an especially bad human, I guess. But the differences, the lines, they're not as clear as you think. And I don't think you are evil. I think you're Bel."
"Tell that to the witches I've killed," he said.
Beka crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine. Have it your way. You're irrevocably, unbelievably, permanently horribly, irredeemably evil."
He chuckled a little. "Something like that."
"Gonna kill me now, oh evil horrible hateful one?" she teased.
He raised an eyebrow. "Why, you want me to?"
"No. But you can throw a few fireballs at me if you want." She winked at him.
"Might be able to be talked into that," he said.
Beka reached over and pulled his cigarettes out of his jacket pocket, just like a sister or a friendly rival might. "Want one?" she said, offering his cigarettes back to him after she'd taken one.
"Sure," he said. He conjured a fireball to light his cigarette, then held it out for Beka.
"Wish I knew how to show you what I see in you," she said after a moment. "What Phoebe sees - even more."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
She took a long slow drag and shrugged. "We believe in you."
"And what if that turns out to be a mistake?" he said.
"I'll kill you," she said.
"Fair enough," he said, nodding.
"So. Don't make me wrong," she said.
"I don't want to...." he said after a moment's hesitation.
"I know," Beka said.
"But I didn't want to kill that first witch, either," Belthazor added.
"It's different now," she said. "You have a soul. You feel. You love Phoebe. You care about me - a little. And you're stronger now than you were. You could fight, couldn't you?"
"I had a soul then, too," he said. "And yeah, I'm stronger now. But you don't know the power of the Underworld. You don't know what the Source is."
"No. I don't," she agreed. "And I probably never will. If you fall down, you'll get back up. And if you don't... I'll either kill you, or take you to get your soul removed so you don't hurt anymore, I guess."
"I've thought about that," he admitted.
"I know. You told me," she said. "If it comes to that, tell me what you want me to do. ... I guess it's really not up to me. Phoebe would have a say too."
He shook his head. "If I'm making that choice it means I've lost her. Or am about to."
"Well then, it'll be between you and me."
"You think you can stop me?" He sounded almost amused.
She shrugged. "We've been over this. I can try. I'm good enough to get in your way."
"True enough," he said. Silence fell for a long moment, and he brought the conversation full circle. "And Angelus doesn't own me."
"No," she said, only the mildest note of skepticism in her voice. "But he might own me."
"You want him to?" he asked.
She shrugged again. "Maybe. Sometimes. Other times I want to kill him."
"The Brotherhood owns me," Belthazor said. "The Underworld owns me. Phoebe owns part of me. Why do you think Angelus does, too?"
"Maybe I was just hoping you'd understand how I felt," she said.
"Do you want him to be pleased with you?" he asked. "That I can understand."
"Yes."
"Why?
"I wish I knew."
"Absolutely no idea why, huh?" Belthazor grinned.
"Fuck off, Bel," she said. "He's a good lay."
"I wouldn't know," he said mildly.
"Your loss," she said.
"It would be yours," he said. "I don't share."
Her eyes grew wide. "What makes you think the choice would be yours?"
His brow furrowed. "Because I won't share."
"But he will," Beka pointed out.
Belthazor shrugged. "Which is why he doesn't own me," he said, then added quickly, "One of the reasons, I mean."
"He doesn't own me either, Bel," she said. "It's just... I'm like a ship without a course. He's strong. Smart."
"And you want him to give you direction?"
"I don't know that I entirely trust his direction," she said. "But...he makes me think. I like that."
"You think it'll make you feel better if you give him control?" he asked.
She smirked. "Well..."
"Then let him," Belthazor advised.
She laughed. "I meant during sex, Bel."
"Then let him do that much."
"Why?"
"You said it makes you feel better."
"In point of fact, I implied that the sex was good that way," she said. "But, if we're being truthful, I suppose if he's in control, it's hard for me to feel guilty about it."
He nodded thoughfully. "True, very true." He took a final drag off his cigarette and dropped it to the ground, crushing it into the pavement. "I better get back inside. I don't like leaving Phoebe alone for long."
"Good night," Beka said as he went back inside the dorm. She finished her own cigarette, then headed inside as well, climbing the stairs to the attic.
[OOC: Written by Bel!Mun and Beka!Mun in chat.]
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Date: 2005-10-26 06:51 am (UTC)Someone thinks Daddy Angelus in meta-land is going to alternately kill us and kill himself laughing at us. *cough*