South Attic, Thursday Morning

[demonbelthazor]

No, Bel wasn't hiding. He was just...avoiding. Avoiding classes, avoiding people, avoiding everything.

He was also trying to get himself in the right frame of mind to take Veronica on a trip to the Underworld. Not a stellar idea, but if she wanted to go, he could hardly refuse her.


[ooc: open for visitors, please to be helping me avoid work. ;) ]

Comments

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

Lana didn't have any classes till 4th period and she figured she'd studied for Medieval English History about as much as her brain would take, so she decided to go see if Bel might have found his way home. And if so, if he wanted someone to talk to.

She knocked on the door quietly. "Bel?"

[demonbelthazor]

He was quiet for a moment, hoping the person would go away. Finally, he said, "Come in. It's open."

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

Lana came in and closed the door behind her. "Hey," she said. "I'm worried about you."

[demonbelthazor]

"I'm fine," he said. "Just a little beat up. Nothing a few days of rest won't fix."

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

She hesitated for a moment, then went over and touched his shoulder. She wanted to hug him, but was afraid he wouldn't let her. "Bel... I... I wish I knew the right thing to say, the right way to help you."

[demonbelthazor]

"There's nothing anyone can do," he said with a sad smile. "Not unless you can travel through time and change the past."

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

"What, you mean with all the odd people we've got here there's no one who can do that?" She spoke as lightly as she could, but knew her words wouldn't be enough to cheer him.

She took a seat near him and curled up one leg underneath. "Can you tell me about it?"

[demonbelthazor]

"You know what happened to Piper, don't you?" he asked slowly.

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

She nodded. "Phoebe told me a little bit."

[demonbelthazor]

"She...made me hear it," he said quietly. "Hear everything. The cries of all my victims, everyone I've ever hurt or wronged. I heard them all."

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

Lana shut her eyes, imagining the horror of that. "Oh, Bel... I... God, I don't know how you can manage that."

She's quiet for a moment, leaving a hand to rest gently on his arm. "Do you know what I wish?" she says finally.

[demonbelthazor]

"What?" he asked.

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

"I wish there was some way - a spell or something - that would let you hear and feel all the good you've done as well."

[demonbelthazor]

"Haven't done that much good," Bel said. "I've only been 'good' for a couple months. Doesn't compare to the years I spent...." He let his voice trail off, unwilling to finish the sentence.

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

"But you made the choice. And it's not as if your choice hasn't hurt you. Bel, I realize you've done terrible things. I know that. And I know nothing can ever change that. But... what you did, changing from bad to good, that's got to be one of the hardest things in the world to manage. And you've done it. Don't you think that counts for anything?"

[demonbelthazor]

He fell back to his standard argument. "Do you think changing sides matters to the people I've killed and their families? Do you think they care?"


[ooc: running out for an hour -- back soon!]

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

"Maybe not, but it means a helluva lot to the people whose lives you've saved or will save and their families. It means a heeluva lot to me," she finished quietly.


[OOC: NP. Going to watch last night's Alias, myself. :) ]

[demonbelthazor]

"It doesn't balance out though," he said helplessly. "It never will. It can't make what I've done go away."

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

"Someday it will, though," Lana said earnestly. "See, that's the thing about doing good. It's not just the people you saved or helped. It's them and all the people they save and help and all the people *those* people save and help... Just think of all the good Phoebe and her sisters will do. And you'll be a part of that."

[demonbelthazor]

"I don't know if I'm strong enough," Bel confessed. "I keep thinking about how much easier it would be if I just didn't care...."

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

"Exactly. Being good is a lot harder than being evil, so, in a way it kind of counts more. Or at least it should. Don't you think?" Lana raised her eyebrows at him with a grin.

[demonbelthazor]

"Maybe," he said grudgingly. He paused for a moment, then asked, "Why do you have so much faith in me?"

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

Lana blinked at him innocently. "Because I'm hopelessly naive?" she suggested, then laughed.

"I'm sure there's more than one person who'd tell you that - including Shep and Han if they were still around." She swallowed hard, surprised at how much it still hurt to mention them. "But I think, really, it's just... I don't know. I have this feeling about you. I just know there's so much good inside you."

[demonbelthazor]

"I wish I had your faith," he said wistfully. "I look inside me and I just see the terrible things I've done."

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

Lana can't stop herself, she reaches out and just hugs him.

"I wish you could look inside my heart and see how special and good you are."